Giving Thanks

Well, it's that time of year that we all try to take extra time to think about the things for which we're thankful. I'm thankful for so many things! God has given me abundantly more than I could ask for or imagine and I try to thank him each day. However, this year the thing for which I'm probably most thankful is the work that He has done in my heart over the past year. It truly has been a miracle and I'm sooo thankful! I know this is not of my own strength and that just blows my mind. I've been thinking a lot about this lately and felt like I needed to share it with you.

I've briefly mentioned in the past about our now almost 3-year struggle with infertility. We started trying to get pregnant in December of 2006 and I thought that maybe I might have trouble getting pregnant but in my heart I didn't really believe it. I didn't know anyone else who'd had this type of problem and I've never had any problems with my cycle so I thought it'd be a piece of cake.

Well, the months went and by and nothing happened so I eventually started intentionally tracking my cycle, taking my temperatures, the whole nine yards. A few months later, in September of 2007, I did get pregnant and we were so excited and thought the wait was finally over, after 9 months of trying. Well the excitement was short-lived because I had a miscarriage about 1 1/2 weeks later. This was truly devastating to me and sent me into one of the most spiritually dark times of my life. I just didn't understand at all why God allowed this to happen to me. Three of my closest friends got pregnant right around the same time and had no problems. Why me? I've already had hard times in my life. My mom died for crying out loud! Haven't I dealt with enough? Well, the Lord was gracious and patient with me and He didn't mind me asking all these questions so He continued to love me and show me truth in His word that got me through this time. It wasn't quick or easy healing but He was faithful.

We continued to try after the miscarriage and I was really hopeful that I'd get pregnant soon since I'd gotten pregnant once and since we knew my cycle so well. Well, it didn't happen. Talk about an emotional time! Each month was a bucket of emotions ending with a hormonal cycle. Let's just say Drew is a really good man!

In May of 2008 we decided to pursue more formal fertility treatments which involved a series of invasive and extremely painful tests. I remember laying on the procedure table by myself while I was in extreme pain thinking, "Other women have no idea what this is like! Do they even know how blessed they are to just be able to have kids? This is ridiculous!" The bitterness and pain continued in my heart as I continued to wrestle with God over this. Psalm 37:4 says that if we delight ourselves in Him He'll give us the desires of our hearts, right? The Bible also says children are a blessing from the Lord. Why wasn't He giving me this?

We ended up doing about 3 months of treatments and then took a break because I was emotionally spent and exhausted. I didn't think I could handle any more at that time and I had a real peace about stopping for awhile. It had been 2 years of focusing on making a baby and it had taken it's toll on us. So, we took a few months off and prayed and ended up deciding to switch clinics and try again in January of this year. We loved the new doctor at the new clinic! He made me feel like a real person and not just a woman on the infertility train who he could make money off. He did some more tests and I ended up having surgery in March and we found out that I have really bad endometriosis which definitely inhibits fertilization. I was so relieved to have an answer! After more than 2 years we knew what was going on!

Well, during this time we had also begun the process of going overseas to do missions. God was continuing to turn our hearts towards His work in the new city we'd go to live in and we were getting really excited. After the surgery we proceeded to try treatments for about 2 more months and once again nothing happened. At this point we knew that if we proceeded to do what the doctor recommended, which was IVF, that we'd potentially delay getting overseas and we did not feel comfortable with that. We felt like God was clearly telling us that having a child wasn't in His plan for us right then and we, especially me, needed to chill out and let Him do His work. Surprisingly enough, this didn't make me mad. It just gave me peace!

This is the miracle I'm talking about that I'm so thankful for this Thanksgiving. Somewhere in the middle of this huge struggle God has given me a peace that I can't explain on my own. I can honestly say that right now I want to get overseas more than have a child. Now if God chooses to allow me to get pregnant before we leave (we're certainly not preventing that from happening!) I will be one of the most excited women you've ever known. It would be an amazing miracle and I would just be giddy! However, God's replaced that emptiness with His peace and this calling to share the gospel with people who've never heard. Talk about a miracle! It is amazing and that's why I'm so thankful this Thanksgiving.

Now I still have my moments of sadness and jealousy but then God reminds me of what He has in store for us and that excites me. He is so faithful to answer our prayers, prayers that we sometimes don't think can be answered. I certainly doubted my ability to be content in my circumstances and He has given me that. Thank you Jesus!

So, I hope that any of you who may be wondering why God is doing certain things in your life will be encouraged by this story. He is there and He will answer. Ask Him for contentment. He is faithful.

If any of you are struggling with infertility please know that you are not alone. That has been one of the most difficult things during this time- feeling alone and like no one understands. I have some amazing friends who've cared so well for me but in the end unless you've been through this you can't understand. I'd love to talk to anyone who's going through this or has been through this. I hope we can be an encouragement to each other.

If you know someone struggling with infertility love them and care for them and pray for them to be content. Be sensitive to their needs and emotions while at the same time keeping them involved in your lives- even when they include children out the yin-yang! We want to be involved, we just want you to be sensitive. Pass them on to me too- I'd love to chat!

Okay, that's enough writing. I hope this this has been a blessing to those of you who persevered to the end. I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed Thanksgiving and that you continue to be amazed by God's grace and goodness in your lives. May He blow you away with how He works in your life!